Now hear this ... and this ...

Rosie wants a new talk show ... and if you have to ask who Rosie is, then, well, you're definitely wasting your time reading this. (You might be doing that anyway, but let's not think about that right now.)

Conan is talking to FOX about a new talk show ... which might be a bad career move, given the wave of public support he rode out of his last gig. Well, public support and a reported $42 million settlement from NBC.

Oprah, as we all know, has said she's ending her syndicated talk show next year (calendar year, not TV year, which, we all know, runs from whenever to whenever) as she gears up to launch her own network ... to be called, as we all know, the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Now, those who believe that Oprah ultimately will have a new version of her old talk show on her OWN network (redundancies intended) ... raise your hand.

Rosie wants a new talk show because, well, Rosie can't stop talking. And she can't be seen just walking down the street talking to herself and/or imaginary guests because ... because ... who'd watch that?

Actually, I would. But then, I watch anything. Except "The Marriage Ref," which, when you think of it, is basically a "Jerry Springer" type of talk show, only with a better-paid Greek chorus.

According to "those who know" (and by "those who know," I refer, of course, to the Internet bloggers who are actually paid to speculate on motivations of people we recognize by their first names), Rosie actually wants Oprah's talk show. Or, at least her time slot.

In this way, she would (the theory goes) get "revenge" on those meanies from "The View," the five-headed talk show beast that apparently also is circling the remains of Oprah's time slot.

Ellen, meanwhile, would be collateral damage under this scenario. Which is too bad, because her talk show is actually worth the hour ... as apposed to just watching for spontaneous human combustion.

No one seems to want Tyra's time slot, even though Tyra is leaving her talk show later this spring. Tyra's departure will leave a great void in the TV talk show universe — and a five-minute space for Joel McHale to fill each week in "The Soup," since Tyra filled the space once occupied by McHale's relentless mocking of Tony Danza's talk show.

"The Soup," it should be noted, began life as "Talk Soup" and focused primarily on ridiculing talk shows. "Talk Soup," then hosted by Greg Kinnear, was ahead of its time. Or, come to think of it, it began life at just the right moment ... since, now, talk shows ridicule themselves.

There are, at last count, eleventyseven-zillion talk shows on TV ... not counting "Inside the Actors' Studio" or "Charlie Rose," which are interview shows for somewhat intelligent people.

It's reported this week that Jerry Springer (there he is again) has beaten out Nadya Suleman as host of the new talk/dating hybrid show "Baggage," to be shown on the Game Show Network. (Yes, there's a Game Show Network.) The idea is that real people (or, at least as real as they get on TV dating shows) will talk to Springer about why they can't get dates ... then get matched up with each other.

I know what you're thinking ... who in the name of Craig Kilborn is Nadya Suleman? You know her better as "Octomom." Yes, the Game Show Network had two finalists for host of its talk show and they were Jerry Springer and Octomom.

Dr. Phil — whom we know only by first name and courtesy title, sort of like Mr. T — has hired Kelly Osbourne (whose mom, Sharon, used to have a talk show) as a special correspondent for his talk show. Mr. T does not have a talk show, but pity da fool who didn't watch that one every day.

Kelly's dad, Ozzie, doesn't have a talk show ... but what a great idea.

Bonnie Hunt (who must be introduced here by two names, since no one remembers her as "the actress who played Renee Zwelleger's sister in "Jerry Maguire") is in danger of losing her talk show to bad ratings. She draws fewer people than the Victoria Principal talk show, which .... THIS JUST IN ... we've now learned is actually an infomercial for ... ummm ... for Victoria Principal.

Bill O'Reilly, who has a political talk show (two, if you count "The Colbert Report"), lamented this week that if all anyone thinks you do is scream you'll wind up like Morton Downey Jr. — which was a stunning comment considering a) not many people remember Morton Downey Jr., and b) half of those who do think he was Robert Downey Jr.'s father.

Craig Kilborn, by the way, is the talk show host who was replaced by Jon Stewart on "The Daily Show."

Did you know that Carrie Fisher had a talk show? Me neither. It was called "Conversations from the Edge" on the Oxygen network. It lasted two episodes ... twice as long as Chevy Chase, Magic Johnson or Alan Thicke should have kept their talk shows on the air.

Isaac Mizrahi has a talk show; so do Elvis Costello, Rachel Ray and William Shatner. That last one doesn't really count, though, since Shatner can do anything, including talk to himself.

William Shatner once played the winners circle round of "The $25,000 Pyramid" by himself, although on CBS, not the Game Show Network. William Shatner lost, by the way, since even William Shatner can't keep William Shatner from talking too much.

Which brings us back to Rosie, and her desire to have another talk show. I started out believing that there are far too many talk shows on TV as it is (eleventyseven-zillion, to be exact) and that, if the idea is for Rosie to make a name for herself again, she'd hardly be able to do so in a crowded field where she isn't likely to be heard.

But then I realized that talk shows we are too busy to see, because we're watching other talk shows, wouldn't be such a bad idea. So, c'mon back Rosie ... and bring Conan with you. While you're at it, see if you can convince Oprah to announce plans for her new talk show on her new network.

Then we can put our hands down.

Mail Tribune news editor Robert Galvin writes about television for Tempo. He can be reached at He does not have a talk show.

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