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If King Kong married The Bachelorette ... we’d all be singing ‘Danke Schoen’

Time to take a single-question snap quiz: What do the following movies all have in common?

“Beaches,” “Beetlejuice,” “The Bodyguard,” “Bull Durham,” “The Devil Wears Prada,” “Diner,” “The Flamingo Kid,” “King Kong,” “Magic Mike,” “Moulin Rouge,” “The Preacher’s Wife,” “Pretty Woman,” “Rear Window,” “13 Going on 30,” and “Tootsie.”

If you guessed they were all nominated for Academy Awards … then you clearly never saw “13 Going on 30.”

If you guessed that they are all about to be remade … give yourself half a point.

But if you knew that all were in some stage of development as Broadway shows — then you’d win a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat … if this were an episode of “Jeopardy!,” and it was the 1970s, and Art Fleming was the host.

Be thankful, seriously … where in your home would you store a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni?

“Beetlejuice,” “The Devil Wears Prada,” “Bull Durham,” “King Kong,” and “Pretty Woman” are among those that are being produced as musicals. Personally, I’d love to see Kong in top hat and tails singing “Putiin’ on the Ritz” with Carl Denham … but Mel Brooks would sue for theft of intellectual property.

Oh, by the way, “Top Hat” is also being remade as a Broadway musical.

Speaking of remakes, if it seems as though we’ve recently discussed the usurping of movies into theater and vice versa (don’t worry, no one’s making “Vice Versa” into a musical” … yet) — it’s because we have.

It’s summer but, instead of a standard rerun, consider this an update on various topics we’ve covered the past few months.

Consider, for instance, the continuing resurgence of one Fred Rogers. “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” the documentary about the beloved children’s television host, is playing at the Varsity Theatre in Ashland — and has become something of a sensation nationwide.

The film — not to be confused with the recent PBS special celebrating “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” or the upcoming movie starring Tom Hanks as the man in the cardigan — has opened strong at the box office, and has registered a 99 percent Fresh rating on the Tomatometer (where it beat out the fictional biopic “Gotti,” about the legendary mob boss, by a mere 99 percent).

Sure, there’s something to be said about the need to see a commanding presence who was always on television and treated children with love and respect … but I’ll leave that coincidence for Jimmy Fallon to figure out two years later.

Speaking of young people deserving love and respect, remember Becca Kufrin? You don’t? … Lucky you!

Becca found her way onto this page after being jilted at the rose ceremony by that dastardly Arie during the finale of “The Bachelor” — which, given the way TV works, made Becca a natural to take center stage during the current season of “The Bachelorette.”

Last we checked, with the help of Wayne Newton she’s still weeding her way through the motley assortment of would-be wedding partners. If the Arie aftermath wasn’t bad enough, it’s come to light that one of Becca’s potential fiancés still in the running has a conviction for indecent assault in his past, while another had to apologize for Instagram posts that mocked transgender people, feminists, immigrants and Parkland shooting survivors.

Also still getting roses … the suitor who tried to propose to Becca immediately upon meeting her. Poor girl, at least the guy who fell out of a bunk bed and broke his nose is gone.

(Note to self … I really don’t get paid enough.)

By the way, that scoundrel Arie and runnerup-turned-fiancee Lauren have bought a home together in Phoenix (Arizona) and are planning a small wedding in Maui.

In case you’re wondering, the film “Phoenix, Oregon” — which was shot in Klamath Falls because a) Phoenix doesn’t have a bowling alley, but b) does have a metaphorical name to suggest rising from the ashes — is in post-production and is scheduled to be released next year.

2019 is also when we will see the return of the remaining members of the Conner family in “The Conners” … formerly known as the television series named after its star, Roseanne.

I didn’t think this was a good idea when it was talked about, and I don’t think it’s a good idea now. Others, however, determined that there is still artistic merit (and money to be made) in bringing back a series sabotaged by controversy (which always makes money) — realizing that fans of Dan, Jackie, Darlene, Becky … and, umm, whatever the son’s name is … will generate strong enough ratings to stay on the air (and make money).

Already generating stronger ratings (Top 10 in the Nielsens this past week) is “Inception” … rather “Instinct,” the CBS procedural — with the ex-CIA agent turned author — that won the Sunday-night battle against “Deception” — the now canceled ABC procedural about the magician who works as a consultant to the FBI, while trying to rescue his twin brother who was jailed after being framed for murder by a mysterious woman the FBI calls “Mystery Woman” (who had one blue eye and one brown eye) who ultimately got the jailed twin on her side and had him change places with his magician twin so that now the guy Mystery Woman framed is her accomplice and the FBI consultant is behind bars and … oh, who cares, it was canceled and no one is ever going to find out what happens, so why am I still typing?

Mail Tribune senior designer Robert Galvin, rgalvin@rosebudmedia.com, is anticipating this fall’s celebrity autobiographies of Parker Posey and Desi Arnaz.

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