This is a Presidential Alert....
This is another TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System.
No action is needed.
Honest. There is no emergency at the moment. We’re just TESTing this new toy we have here. Just in case, you know, something goes all wonky.
That would be SAD.
We apologize for the momentary intrusion into your lives, but this TEST is designed to TEST whether we can reach upwards of 250 million people in the case of an actual emergency.
Such as …
.. well, for one, an alien invasion — the outer space kind — before we get the SPACE FORCE funded or are able to encapsulate the Earth within a Dyson sphere.
Well, not the entire Earth …
… certainly not the foreign countries that send their aliens across our wall-less border.
You know, like Puerto Rico.
You will also see this message in the event of other emergencies, such as:
If midterm election poll numbers in your area are in need of a boost, encouraging reminders will be texted to your phone.
Or, if your television is showing CNN — we will conveniently change the channel to “Fox & Friends” … or “Last Man Standing.”
Or, if the conversation at your dinner table suddenly includes such terms as #metoo, global warming or universal health insurance, operatives of the Federal Emergency Management Agency and/or the Federal Communications Commission will be dispatched to the area until the threat to national security has been neutralized.
We call this deployment “pacification.” No action is required on your part.
Remember, this is a TEST … this is only a TEST.
Remember, also, that we are required to text the word TEST in capital letters, so that you will notice its importance in this message.
That, and our boss really likes to use capital letters when he uses social media.
Not that this TEST actually comes from him …
WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?
... because that would be bad.
BIGLY BAD, almost as bad as ruining a man’s life because he got drunk and manhandled you years ago.
IF THAT HAPPENED … WHICH IT DIDN’T. #MEATYOU
It’s not as though the president will have access to your phones, computers, your entire online life through the process we are checking with this test …
WOW! … YOU DOWNLOAD A LOT OF PORN!
Moving on. If this had been an actual emergency, an official message would have followed the tone alert you heard at the start of this TEST.
For example, “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw California forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.”
GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL BOMBS.
If you receive such an official message, you will be instructed to proceed to your local emergency shelter …
… unless you are in California.
OR YOU’RE JEFF FLAKEY. OR LIDDLE BOB CORKER. OR POCAHONTAS. OR MR. MAGOO. OR …
Some cellphones will receive this message; others will not. The decision on who will and won’t be informed will be determined by the Federal Emergency Management Agency and/or the Federal Communications Commission — in consultation with the Foreign Intelligence Service.
AND YOU DON’T WANT THEM HOLDING SOMETHING OVER YOUR HEAD. TRUST ME.
Again, this is a TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed on your part.
In particular, you are advised not to remove the cameras that have been installed in the ceiling corners of each room. These are for your protection. No recording of the activities in your home will be logged.
We have smart meters for that.
In the future, the President of the United States will have sole responsibility for determining when the national-level Emergency Alert System will be activated …
THE BESTEST MOST DETERMINED DETERMINATOR.
… but should the president use the system for anything other than its intended purpose, it would be a violation of the Integrated Public Alert and Warning System Modernization Act of 2015.
In other words, the president would be breaking the law.
A LAW THAT FOREIGNER FROM HAWAII OBAMA PUT IN PLACE. … SO IT CAN BE REPEALED.
This concludes this TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is required on your part. …
Except, well … you left the toilet seat up.
We won’t tell.
If this had been an actual emergency, Mail Tribune senior designer Robert Galvin would not be able to be reached at email@example.com.