Do you know the scariest words in our language? "The dentist will see you now."
I recently had to visit the dentist. When I walked into his office, I said to the receptionist: “I would like to make an appointment."
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied. "He's out right now."
"That's OK, when will he be out again?"
When I got home, my wife said, ”Don't you feel better now?”
I said, “You bet! He wasn't there!”
But, it was inevitable. I had to go.
As I was waiting, a husband and wife entered. He said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain. I'm in a hurry. Just pull it as quickly as possible."
"You're very brave," said the dentist. "Now, let’s see it."
He turned to his wife and said, "Show him the tooth, dear."
Then a woman came out of his office. Nodding, she said, "Thank God, that’s over. I'm glad I found a dentist who's so gentle and understanding." Later, I told the dentist about it. He explained, "Oh, that was my Mother."
"Open wide." he said as he began my examination.
"Good grief!" he exclaimed. "You've got the worst cavity I've ever seen; the worst cavity I've ever seen."
"OK, doc!" I replied. "I'm scared enough without you repeating yourself."
"I didn't!" he said. "That was an echo."
Then he asked me, “What kind of filling would you like, amalgam or composite?”
“I prefer chocolate.”
“It might be better to pull it," he said. "But don't worry, it will only take five minutes.”
“How much will it cost?”
“$90 for just a few minutes work?"
“I can extract it very slowly if you prefer. Now, don’t worry. I’m painless.”
“Maybe, but I’m not! Do you always extract teeth painlessly?”
“No, the other day I sprained my wrist.”
“Hey, I don’t think you pulled the right tooth!”
“Relax, I’m coming to it! Now, just let me finish and you’ll be another man.”
“OK, but don’t forget to send the bill to another man.”
I asked him, “Isn’t it awful having your hands in someone’s mouth all day?”
He answered, "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
Afterward, as I was leaving, a gorgeous woman walked by. He said, “There goes the only woman I ever loved.”
“Why don't you marry her?” I asked.
“I can't afford to. She's my best patient.”
When I paid my bill, a nurse asked how I was feeling.
“I'm OK, but I didn't like the four-letter word he used during the procedure."
“What did he say?”
Dentists are lucky. They are the only men who can tell a woman to open or close her mouth and get away with it.
But, they are also frustrating. You wait a month for an appointment, and then they say, “I wish you'd come to me earlier.”
Darrell Monk lives in Medford.